RESULTS

Do not change any of your answers! 

Add up the following scores:

Questions: 1(   )+10(   )+18(   )=  (   ) is your total for The Avoider

Questions: 5(   )+13(   )+22(   )= (   ) is your total for The Control Nut

Questions: 8(   )+16(   )+25(   )= (   ) is your total for The Relentless Striver

Questions: 6(   )+15(   )+24(   )= (   ) is your total for The Analytical Thinker

Questions: 4(   )+19(   )+26(   )= (   ) is your total for The Heedful

Questions: 9(   )+17(   )+27(   )= (   ) is your total for the Pleaser

Questions: 3(   )+12(   )+21(   )= (   ) is your total for The Unquenchable

Questions: 2(   )+11(   )+ 20(   )= (   ) is your total for the Nit Picker

Questions: 7(   )+14(   )+23(   )= (   ) is your total for The Blues

INNER ANTAGONIST DESCRIPTIONS

THE AVOIDER

Characteristics

• They avoid conflict and say yes to things they don’t really want.

• They downplay the importance of real problems and try to deflect others from them.

• They have difficulty saying no.

• They resist others through passive-aggressive means rather than directly.

• They lose themselves in comforting routines and habits.

• They procrastinate on unpleasant tasks.

Thoughts

• This is just too unpleasant. Maybe if I let it go it will take care of itself.

• If I deal with this now, I will hurt their feelings, so I’d rather not deal with it now..

• If I get into conflict with others, I might lose my connection with them.

• I have found balance. I don’t want to mess with it. I’d rather give someone else their way than create a scene.

Feelings

• Even keel.

• Have anxiety about what has been avoided or procrastinated on.

• Fearful of their hard-won peace of mind being interrupted.

• Suppressed anger and resentment rather than expressed anger.

• I spin my wheels never getting what I want.

Justification Lies

• You are a good person to spare others’ feelings.

• No good comes out of conflict.

• It is good to be flexible.

• Someone needs to be the peacemaker.

• It’s not a big deal to skip that step.

• You can do it later.

• Unsure..

• What if you don’t do a good job?

Impact on Self and Others

• Denying the conflicts and negativities that do exist prevents one from actually working with them and turning them into gifts.

• Feeling numb to pain is different from knowing how to harvest the wisdom and power of pain.

• What is avoided doesn’t go away, it festers, and relationships are kept superficial through conflict avoidance.

• Others’ trust level is reduced as they are not sure when negative information is being withheld.

• Impacts performance by making me think it’s not that important.

• Impacts relationships by making you think “It doesn’t really, or at least that I can tell right now.”

• Impacts stress level by making me think I won’t follow through.

Original Survival Function

The Avoider could rise from both happy and difficult childhoods. In a happy childhood, one might not have learned the resiliency of dealing with difficult emotions. In a childhood of high conflict and tension, the Avoider might come in to play peacemaker and learn to not add any negativity or tension of one’s own on top of the existing family tensions.

THE CONTROL NUT

Characteristics

• They are moved by a strong force to control and take charge.

• They connect with others through competition, challenge, physically, or conflict rather than discerning emotions.

• They are willful, confrontational, straight talkers.

• They tend to push people beyond their comfort zone.

• They come  alive when doing the impossible and beating the odds.

• They are stimulated by and can feel connection through conflict.

• They are surprised that others' feelings get hurt.

• They intimidate others.

• They use in-your-face communication which is interpreted by others as anger or criticism.

Thoughts

• You are either in control or out of control.

• If I work hard enough I can and should control the situation so it goes my way.

• Others want and need me to take control.

• You are doing others a favor by taking control.

• No one tells me what to do.

Feelings

• They have high anxiety when things are not going their way.

• They feel angry when others don’t follow along with them.

• They are iImpatient with others' feelings and different styles.

• They do feel hurt and rejected, although rarely admit to it.

Justification Lies

• Without me, you won’t get much done.

• You need to push people.

• If I don’t control, I will be controlled, and I can’t live with that.

• I am trying to get the job done for all our sakes.

Impact on Self and Others

• The Controller Nut does get temporary results but at the cost of others feeling controlled and resentful and not able to tap into their own greater reserves.

• The Control Nut also generates a great deal of anxiety as many things in work and life are ultimately not controllable.

Original Survival Function

Underneath the bravado of the Control Nut, there is often a hidden fear of being controlled by others or life. The need to control can be associated with early life experiences where the child is forced to grow up fast, be on their own, and take charge of their chaotic or dangerous surroundings in order to survive physically and/or emotionally. It is also associated with being hurt, rejected, or betrayed and deciding to never be that vulnerable again.

THE RELENTLESS STRIVER

Characteristics

• They are competitive, image, and status-conscious.

• They are good at covering up insecurities and showing a positive image.

• They adapt their  personality to fit what would be most impressive to others.

• They are goal-oriented and have workaholic tendencies.

• They place more importance on perfecting their public image than their introspection.

• They can be self-promoting.

• They tend to keep people at a safe distance.

Thoughts

• I must be the best at what I do.

• If I can’t be outstanding, I won’t bother.

• I must be efficient and effective.

• Emotions get in the way of performance.

• I must stay focused on thinking and action.

• I can be anything I want to be.

• I am worthy as long as I’m successful and others think well of me.

Feelings

• I don’t like dwelling on my feelings for too long.

• Feelings distract me from achieving my goals.

• Sometimes I feel empty and depressed inside but it’s a waste of time to linger on it..

• It’s important to me to feel successful. That’s what life is all about. 

• I feel most worthy when I am successful.

• Feeling close with others would allow them to see that I am not as perfect as the image I portray, so I stay away from intimacy and vulnerability. 

Justification Lies

• Life is all about achieving and producing results.

• Portraying a good image helps me achieve results.

• Feelings are just a distraction and don’t help anything.

Impact on Self and Others

• Peace and happiness are fleeting and short-lived in brief celebrations of achievement before they are on to the next goal..

• Self-acceptance is continuously conditioned on the next success.

• Lose touch with deeper feelings, deeper self, and ability to connect deeply with others.

• Others might be pulled into the performance vortex of the Hyper-Achiever and become similarly lopsided in their focus on external achievement.

Original Survival Function

For the Relentless Striver, self-validation, self-acceptance, and self-love are all conditional—conditioned on continual performance. This is often the result of either conditional or altogether absent validation from parental figures. Even with very loving and approving parents, it is easy for children to get the sense that they are loved in return for achieving, obeying the rules, having good manners, etc., rather than unconditionally.

ANALYTICAL THINKER

Characteristics

• They have an iIntense and active mind, sometimes coming across as intellectually arrogant or secretive.

• They are private and don’t let many people into their deeper feelings or thoughts.

• They mostly show their feelings through their  passion for ideas.

• They prefer to just observe others' behaviors, and emotions  around them and analyze them from a distance.

• They can lose track of time due to their  intense concentration.

• They have a high penchant for skepticism and debate.

Thoughts

• The rational and analytical mind is superior.

• Feelings are distracting and irrelevant.

• Many people are so irrational and sloppy in their thinking.

• The needs and emotions of others distract me from my projects.

• I need to shut out intrusions.

• What I value most is knowledge, understanding, and insight.

• Self-worth is attached to mastering knowledge and competence.

Feelings

• Frustrated with others who are too emotional and not rational enough.

• Anxious about preserving personal time, energy, and resources against intrusions.

• Feeling different, alone, and not understood.

• Often skeptical or cynical.

Justification Lies

• The rational mind is the most important thing. It should be protected from the wasteful intrusion of people’s messy emotions and needs, so it can get its work done.

Impact on Self and Others

• Limits the depth and flexibility of relationships in work and life by analyzing rather than experiencing feelings.

• Intimidates less analytically intense people.

Original Survival Function

The Analytical Thinker is a good survival strategy in early childhood circumstances of emotional turmoil or chaotic surroundings. The escape into the neat and orderly rational mind generates a sense of security or a sense of intellectual superiority. It also gains attention and praise by showing up as the smartest person in the room.

THE HEEDFUL

Characteristics

• They are always anxious, with chronic doubts about themself and others.

• They have an extraordinary sensitivity to danger signals.

• They have a constant expectation of mishap or danger.

• They are suspicious of what others are up to.

• They think that other people mess up.

• They seek reassurance and guidance in procedures, rules, authorities, and institutions.

Thoughts

• When is the other shoe going to drop?

• If I make a mistake, I fear everyone is going to jump down my throat.

• I want to trust people, but I find myself suspicious of their motives.

• I need to know what the rules are, although I might not always follow them.

Feelings

• Skeptical, even cynical.

• Often anxious and highly vigilant.

Justification Lies

• Life is full of dangers.

• If I don’t look out for them, who will?

Impact on Self and Others

• This is a hard way to live.

• The constant anxiety burns a great deal of vital energy that could otherwise be put to great use.

• They lose their credibility due to the “crying wolf” phenomenon.

• Others begin to avoid the Worrywart because the intensity of their energy drains them.

Original Survival Function

The Heedful often comes from early experiences where the source of safety and security (parental figure) was unpredictable and unreliable. It could also result when painful unexpected events prove life to be threatening or unreliable.

THE PLEASER

Characteristics

• They have a strong need to be liked by people and attempt to earn it by helping, pleasing, rescuing, or flattering them.

• They need frequent reassurance that they are accepted and liked by others..

• They have difficulty expressing their own needs openly and directly, and do so indirectly by having people feel obligated to reciprocate care.

Thoughts

• To be a good person I should put the needs of others ahead of my own.

• It bothers me when people don’t notice or care about what I have done for them.

• Others can be selfish and ungrateful.

• I give away too much and don’t think of myself enough.

• I can make anyone like me.

• If I don’t rescue people, who will?

Feelings

• Expressing my own needs directly feels selfish.

• Worried that insisting on their own needs may drive others away.

• Resentful for being taken for granted, but have difficulty expressing it.

• Feelings of being incapable and not worthy and small

Justification Lies

• I don’t do this for myself.

• I help others selflessly and don’t expect anything in return.

• The world would be a better place if everyone did the same.

• The thing that is distracting me is more important than my own agenda.

• If you don’t do this then I will disappoint others.

• They won’t like you.

Impact on Self and Others

• They can jeopardize taking care of their own needs including emotional, physical, or financial.

• This can lead to resentment and burnout.

• Others can develop dependence rather than learn to take care of themselves and feel obligated, guilty, or manipulated.

Original Survival Function

The Pleaser tries to earn attention and acceptance by helping others. This is an indirect attempt to have one’s emotional needs met. It is fed by two original assumptions that are picked up in childhood: 1. I must put others’ needs ahead of my own. 2. I must give love and affection in order to get back. I must earn it and am not simply worthy of it.

THE UNQUENCHABLE

Characteristics

• They are easily distracted and can get too scattered.

• They stay busy juggling many different tasks and plans.

• They seek excitement and variety, not comfort or safety.

• They bounce (escapes) from unpleasant feelings very quickly.

• They seek constant new stimulation.

Thoughts

• This isn’t fulfilling.

• The next thing has got to be more exciting.

• These negative feelings suck.

• This is boring and I must shift my attention to something more exciting.

• Why can’t anyone keep up with me?

Feelings

• Impatience with what is happening now.

• Wondering what is next.

• Fear of missing out on other more worthwhile experiences.

• Restless and wanting more and more options.

• Worried that focusing on any unpleasant feeling will grow and become overwhelming.

• Feelings of being incapable and not worthy and small

Justification Lies

• Life is too short.

• It must be lived fully.

• I don’t want to miss out.

• It will be fine if I skip over the boring  stuff.

• If you don’t do this then you will be disappointed.

Impact on Self and Others

• Underneath the surface of the fun and excitement of The Unquenchable is an anxiety-based escape from being present to this moment’s full experience, which might include dealing with unpleasant things.

• The Unquenchable avoids a real and lasting focus on the issues and relationships that truly matter.

• Others have a difficult time keeping up with the frenzy and chaos brought by the Unquenchable and are unable to build anything sustainable around it.

Original Survival Function

The Unquenchable is a strategy to find constant new sources of excitement, pleasure, and self-nurturing. This could be associated with early life experiences with inadequate parental nurturing or painful circumstances. The AJ  indulgence not only provided substitute self-nurturing but also an escape from having to deal with anxiety and pain.

THE NITPICKER

Characteristics

• They are punctual, methodical, and strive for perfection.

• They can be irritable, tense, opinionated, and sarcastic.

• They can be highly critical of themself and others.

• They have a strong need for self-control and self-restraint.

• They work overtime to make up for others’ sloppiness and laziness.

• They are highly sensitive to criticism.

Thoughts

• Right is right and wrong is wrong.

• I know the right way.

• If I can’t do it perfectly, I won’t do it at all.

• Others too often have lax standards.

• I need to be more organized and methodical than others so things get done.

• I hate mistakes.

Feelings

• Constant frustration and disappointment with themself and others for not living up to ideal standards.

• Anxious that others will mess up the order and balance II have created.

• Sarcastic or self-righteous overtones.

• Suppressed anger and frustration.

Justification Lies

• This is a personal obligation.

• It is up to me to fix whatever mess I encounter.

• Perfectionism is good, plus it makes me feel better about myself.

• There is usually a clear right and clear wrong way to do things.

• I know how things should be done and must do the right thing.

Impact on Self and Others

• Causes rigidity and reduces flexibility in dealing with change and others’ different styles.

• Is a source of ongoing anxiety and frustration.

• Causes resentment, anxiety, self-doubt, and resignation in others, who feel continually criticized and resign themselves that no matter how hard they work they will never please the NitPicker.

Original Survival Function

The Nitpicker offers a way of quieting the constant voice of self-judgment and fear of others’ judgments by trying to be perfect. If you do what is right, you will be beyond interference and reproach by others. Perfection and order bring a sense of temporary relief. It might have generated a sense of order in the middle of a chaotic family dynamic, or earned acceptance and attention from emotionally distant or demanding parents by standing out as the irreproachable perfect kid.

THE BLUES

Characteristics

• If criticized or misunderstood, they tend to withdraw, pout, and sulk.

• They are fairly dramatic and temperamental.

• When things get tough, they want to crumble and give up.

• They have repressed rage that results in depression, apathy, and constant fatigue.

• They are unconsciously attached to having difficulties.

• They get attention by having emotional problems, or being temperamental and sullen.

Thoughts

• No one understands me.

• Poor me.

• Terrible things always happen to me.

• I might be uniquely disadvantaged or flawed.

• I am what I feel.

• I wish someone would rescue me from this dreary mess.

Feelings

• Tend to brood over negative feelings for a long time.

• I feel alone and lonely, even when I’m around people I am close to.

• Feelings of melancholy and abandonment.

• Envy and negative comparisons.

Justification Lies

• Maybe this way I will get some of the love and attention that I deserve.

• Sadness is a noble and sophisticated thing that shows exceptional depth, insight, and sensitivity.

Impact on Self and Others

• Vitality is wasted through a focus on internal processing and brooding.

• Their tactics backfires by pushing people away.

• Others feel frustrated, helpless, or guilty that they can’t put more than a temporary BandAid on The Blues  pain.

Original Survival Function

The Blues is sometimes associated with a childhood experience of not feeling seen and accepted, coming to believe that something is especially wrong with you. The PP is a strategy to squeeze out some affection from those who would otherwise not be paying attention. The moods mimic a false sense of aliveness.